“If we winter this one out, we can summer anywhere”

- Seamus Heaney – Nobel Prize Winner 1995

The study of psychological resilience is nothing new – in fact it has come through many phases (you may have heard it called grit, fortitude, moxie etc.) each with a different target and intended outcome but the common factor tends to center on our individual and collective capacity to recognize, endure and grow stronger from having weathered periods of distress and discomfort. During these uncertain times, we as parents, hope that our children are resilient. But how can we teach our children to be resilient?

In the course of my work with families and children facing the challenges of anxiety, I came across the work of Dr Duke and Dr. Fivuish and the genesis of their work on resilience. Their initial studies addressed the factors that allowed some children who had lived through the 9/11 terrorist attacks in the United States to demonstrate a stronger degree of psychological resilience than others. Their research found that those children who had strong family narratives, and were able to recite aspects of their family histories (good and bad) were more resilient than those who could not - or as the authors stated; “knowledge of family history is significantly correlated with internal locus of control, higher self-esteem, better family functioning, greater family cohesiveness, lower levels of anxiety, and lower incidence of behavior problems” Indeed, narratives can and have consistently been shown to provide a tremendous degree of grounding and comfort especially when they live in our immediate social institutions, institutions such as our families.

So what is a family narrative and how can you cultivate it? A family narrative is simply knowledge of your family’s history, your family values and traditions. It is a core aspect of your family culture. Family narratives are more than just a collection of notable dates and names. Instead, the narrative is a progression of a family’s relationships, accomplishments, setbacks, and core beliefs. The narrative does two central things to those who hear it; (1) it provides family members with the knowledge that there are others who have come before them through a variety of challenges and triumphs and that (2) they are the authors of how the next chapter in that narrative unfolds. This knowledge allows children to understand their family is not simply the product of a series of shrewd, educated or lucky actions on the part of ancestors but instead it shows them that people whom they know and love have come through good and bad times alike and because of this, the narrative – the family narrative - has endured just as they themselves have.

When building a family narrative, it is important to share (in an age appropriate way) the good and the bad about what has happened in the family. You are sharing stories of resiliency and how it is done. The intention is to model that difficulties happen to everyone and that these can be overcome. This knowledge gives children a sense of belonging to something bigger than themselves, it gives them access to a family identity and helps them cultivate their individual identity. So in essence, discovering the culture of their family will provide children with deep securing roots from which to grow in confidence. It is through the communication and subsequent ownership of the family narrative that we can foster a resilience in our children.

Indeed, there are many advocates for the development of a family narrative as part of an expression of family culture. The author, Kim John Payne discusses this idea of family culture being healing in his Simplicity Parenting Podcast “What Family Culture Heals” and “We Are Humans and We Were Made For This”. He explains the extent to which family narratives can bring a degree of calm and rhythm to children during tumultuous times. For children, knowing that the present ills are just part of the ups and downs of their family’s history can provide a degree of comfort well beyond assurances that things are "going to be fine”. It is with a certain irony that the past seems to be able to provide a greater degree of assurance than the future can, especially when that future is characterized by uncertainty.

So how do you get started sharing your family’s narrative? Below are some questions I have amended from Dr. Duke and Dr. Fivush research to use as a starting point for what to stories to share with your children. I have changed these only by way of tone to make them more accessible to a family conversation. In reviewing these, it is worth noting to what extent you as an adult are aware of the answers as they apply to your own knowledge of family and in turn, the extent to which your own children are aware of that knowledge. In my case, the questions proved not only to be insightful but also highlighted the gaps in my and my partner’s knowledge of our respective family narratives. Based on the ages of your children, you can use them in a range of ways. You can use them as prompts for dinner time discussions, pulling out one question a night to discuss. You can take a question/topic and create a story-book together to then read to your small children. If your children are older and already know the answers to these questions you can make it into a game where the goal is to see who can remember these stories and have them retell the story to you.

In conclusion, I encourage you to look at resilience not as something which you or your children have or have not, but instead to approach it as a skill or quality than can be taught through communication and connection. In allowing children an opportunity to understand that life and families are composed of both highlights and challenges you will help them to have a more metered and longitudinal approach to their own life narratives in the years to come.

I wish you well.

Sarah

20 Questions to cultivate your family narrative:

How did your parents meet?
Where did your parents grow up?
Where did your grandparents grow up?
Where did your grandparents meet?
What is the story of your parents becoming partners?
What went on when you were being born/adopted?
What is the source of your name?
What are some things that happened when your brothers or sisters were being born/adopted?
What are some funny quirks that you share with a family member?
Who in the family do you act most like?
What are some of the struggles that your parents experienced when they were younger?
What are some of the achievements that your parents experienced when they were younger?
What are some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?
What are some things that happened to your parents when they were in school?
What is the national background of your family (Irish, Native American, Moroccan etc.)?
What traditions does your family have and where did they come from?
What are some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?
What are some awards that your parents received when they were young?
What are the names of the schools that your parents went to?
What are some funny stories about your relatives?

Reference: Duke, M.P., Lazarus, A., & Fivush, R. (2008). Knowledge of family history as a clinically useful index of psychological well-being and prognosis: A brief report. Psychotherapy Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 45, 268-272.